Am I crazy to be okay with this?

  I can NOT believe I am here right now and blogging this very thing, but I feel like it's time.  Thanks to some absolutely amazing friends giving me their words of wisdom, I have re-established a new pattern for my daily life. 

   I am the one that everyone calls when they need a hand, and I credit it all to the Lord, for giving me beautiful satisfaction in all that I do... until recently.  See, I misunderstood what 'God was leading me to do' with 'What is not against God to do'.  This is how it happens.  God calls us to grow, love and live and knows our hearts desires in each of these.  He knows them, because He created them within us.  The thing is, that good things can also come in between you and what God's plan is for your life.  That is what happened to me.  The things I was choosing to do, weren't 'against God' so to speak, but were consuming so much of my time, that I wasn't able to do what what necessary for God's will to be done in my life.

   Somewhere in all of this, I lost track of what my own heart was even desiring.  I know it sounds funny, but I was so busy doing whatever people needed because I figured, why not me?  The problem is that in all this hustle and bustle, it became, 'Where is... me?"  Where did the woman go that God called to raise my children, support my husband, maintain my home and welcome all who came into it with open arms?  I had become the 'stay at home mom' that was never home, making notes on my calendar to find time for my husband, and frantically running around the house picking up 'the worst of it' if someone mentioned coming by! I seriously, scheduled cleaning my bathroom... seriously.  I was running, constantly, and making it nowhere short of miserable.  This behind the scenes girl, just became front stage, and it wasn't pretty. Ugh.

   The fact that I was involved in so many worthy causes, made it difficult to see that I was running ragged for anything other than a good purpose.  I prayed every day for God to use me in anything that He puts before me.  Let's say that again... that HE puts before me.  Yeah, I'm getting it now too.  I'm seeing that GOOD, does not spell GOD. So many opportunities that were presented to me were good, credible, and functional but not necessarily where God wanted me to be spending my time, which in truth, is His time.

   While I never felt God stop moving, it seemed that there was always an underlying message, saying, "I want to be moving you more".  I thought to myself, "More? What? You must be kidding!"  So, I prayed for God to let me see His plan for my life.  Within a week, I had friends offering advice.  While this is not unusual (I have really wise friends who often have good advice) but... they a) all said the same thing, b) said they felt led to tell me, and c) they were all right! I know, right? Crap...  Want the real shocker?!  My husband told me the same thing months ago!  Oh Lord, have mercy!


   So... yep... here I am... looking pride down the barrel.  I'm in a pivotal moment where I can choose to justify my actions and make it look all pretty-like, godly and good or I can be accountable for not making myself involve God in my daily decision making process.

 "God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble." James 4:6

   ...Sure, I don't need to check with God before I brush my teeth in the morning, but if my life is dedicated to the Lord, then that means my days belong to Him.  I'm realizing now, that sometimes, that entails rest, deep thought, and quiet, but most of all... consideration.  Considering all that I already know about God's plan for me, should come first.  I am first a wife, mother and child of God.  Then, considering that I do not know everything (I know, SHOCKING!).  Finally, considering God may have a plan in what He is asking of me that I not only don't see now, but may not ever see while here on earth. 

   So, before committing, I am going to be thinking things through a little more clearly now.

• Is this opportunity a 'good' one?
• Have I prayed about it?
• Is it something that won't jeopardize accomplishing what I know God has already asked of my life?
• Am I serving God, or me?
• Have I asked my husband his opinion on this issue?
• If I am still unsure... that does not mean yes!  That means, seek councel!!!

    I remember at one point, justifying my actions by saying, "I asked God to use me and He is!" Mmhmm, that's right... He sure is... as an example!  I made all my decisions into His decisions like I was some sort of transporter of good in all that is evil.  It was so dramatic... and embarrassing.   Just as quickly as I had made it about God upon conviction, I made it about me upon discipline.  Oh poor me, I made this mistake and now I am going to have to admit, I am not Superwoman!  And I had so many people fooled too!  YUCK!

   See, that was the problem.  I was sacrificing so much to do all these things, that it could only become all about one person... not God... but me.  Oh, look, I have to give up breakfast today... Oh look, I have to tell my kids I love them as I'm running out the door... Oh look, I don't have time to even go have dinner with my husband... Oh look, I didn't even have time to do my hair today.  Oh look, oh look, OH LOOK!!!  ...  In all this chaos, what started out as being what I thought was a commitment to serve God, became all about me.  My sacrifice, my schedule... and so on.  While I never intended for it to end up this way, and was honestly, not looking for the praise, that is EXACTLY what happened.  Sadness... what misplaced praise.

Man, I am so glad that is out...  Thank you, God.

   Now, I'm looking through new eyes.  Older, yet wiser ones.  With spiritual growth, age is a good thing. :)  God's eyes.  The only view that truly matters!  If I could describe the peace I feel right now, I could only describe it as this.  "It is right. It is well."

   I know I'm not the only person that has gone through this, so I am praying that who needs to see this, will.  I'm so grateful for God leading, then telling, then beating me to write this blog!  I'm equally as grateful that now I actually have time to do it!  For the first time, I'm really seeing what this blog is for.  HIM!

   We all have burdens and God wants us to dispose of those burdens to the only One, who can truly sustain you through them.

   "Cast your burden on the Lord, and He shall sustain you; He shall never permit the righteous to be moved." Psalm 55:22

   Don't forget to call yourself out and if you can't, ask God to lead someone else to do so.  Without accountablility for our mistakes, we never lay claim to them, which means we cannot willingly hand them over to the Lord.  Without this, growth is slow, painful and exhausting.  Trust in your Savior to do what a savior does... Save you!

  Am I crazy to be okay with this?  Maybe, but I'm okay with that too!



Let love take over All Your Life,
Angie



I hope this song gets stuck in your head today! :)
 
My Savior loves, My Savior lives,
My Saviors always there for me,
My God He was, My God He is,
My God He's always gonna be!